Courtship & Dating
Leader Notes
The topic of sexual intimacy and love in modern society is a basically a discussion of morality and ethics. It is also very practical for health, peace, and productivity; and yes, happiness, although glorifying God should come as a higher priority to believers.
Credibility is Key
To prepare to teach youth about dating and courtship, think of someone in your life who is/was a good example of the ideals just discussed and describe how they influenced you?
What gave them credibility with you? Can you copy such things as you try to exert a positive influence on the youth in your life? Why or why not? Furthermore, consider the point in your life when you first decided to seek God and to love Him. What was the tipping point? How does this event or these experiences get expressed to the youth in your life? How do you wield your social influence with teens without appearing nosy and obnoxious?
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Place dating within its proper place in God’s ideals
Dating and marriage is an important aspect of life but it is a priority that falls way below seeking God, carrying our burdens and spreading the Truth. It is not frivolous or taken lightly, but marriage is a luxury, not a necessity.
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How should we approach a relationship?
Help youth to think about making a plan for their lives. Help them envision their future and include eternity in the plan. Point out that the process of building a marriage begins long before finding the right person. All of your dates could potentially affect your future spouse. How you behave on those dates could be a source of enjoyment or major regret. Plan accordingly.
Consider what you are doing while you are dating. What’s your ultimate goal? Is it to find a spouse or to make friends and learn what you like in a partner? You might be surprised who you really enjoy being with isn’t the sort of person you thought you would. Being friendly with everyone can help you discover new personality traits that you find attractive.
Distinguish casual dating from courtship. Dating is to find out what you want in a mate—it is commitmentless by definition since you are just making friends and having fun. Courtship is undertaken to convince a specific person to marry you; it implies a willingness to commit for life for at least one person in the dyad.
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Begin Discussing and Modeling the Key Facets of Marriage Relationships
Friendship:
Is this person your friend, in that you are kindred spirits? This kind of intimacy is not physical, but rather social, emotional, and spiritual. You need friendly intimate communication and candidness, empathy and open sharing combined with privacy and mutual secrets in a marriage relationship. Spouses share secrets with each other that no one ever knows.
Commitment:
This aspect is lacking in a dating relationship, but will ultimately signal the end of dating and the beginning of courtship and when it is completed, legally, the commitment is “until death do them part.” This aspect of love entails faithfulness, high ideals of integrity, and keeping promises. It is a persistent endeavor, for life.
Passion:
This aspect of a marriage provides motivation and energy. It is the desire for someone else, not just in a physical way, but also as a kind of pride of ownership- a deep appreciation of the spouse’s qualities. It is a treasuring, cherishing, valuing feeling.
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Types of Love
Youth leaders must dispel the lie of Hollywood romance at every chance. Love is a decision to put someone else’s needs first. It is not just a warm feeling. It is not inevitable, not uncontrollable, and not magical. It doesn’t bite you when you least expect it. It doesn’t make you fall. On the contrary, you must make a leap of faith to love someone and far from making you fall, it will make you stand, that is, take a stand, on the new relationship.
If all you have is lust, you don’t have love. Physical desire is inevitable, but it is not normally acted upon. Self-control is necessary to control this minor annoyance of biological existence. He or she may be pretty, but they aren’t yours unless you are married to them.
When one finds a potential mate, they fall into “Limerance” which is essentially a minor obsession with someone. They intrude into your thoughts all the time. Beware limerance. Teach youth to recognize limerant feelings for what they are: a nice pink cloud. But don’t let limerance cloud your judgment. Teach youth to look at potential mates with a critical eye and make an informed decision based on facts, not fables. Be honest and fair, but don’t expect perfection. Also, teach youth that warm fuzzy feelings won’t continue forever, but that when they fade, it is just another stage of the relationship. The relationship isn’t over when the pink mist dissipates! We must view any serious relationship as an ongoing project, a lifelong project that will evolve and grow into new and better stages thought the lifespan. My grandmother says “you don’t get to know someone until you have lived with them for about 20 years”… and then, she will look conspiratorially at you and say, “but you don’t get to REALLY know them for another 20 years after that!” Meditate on this…
Teach youth that just plain old liking of a spouse is more important for predicting marital happiness than the foregoing characterizations of “love.” People who genuinely like each other can have all sorts of differences and disagreements but still have a lovely marriage. Find a mate who you like a lot.
Teach youth the aspects of love in 1 Corinthians 13 before they start dating and looking for a spouse. Learning how to love starts during infancy. Consider talking about two kinds of love: “Because-of” love an “Even-though” love. “Because of” love is what we normally think of colloquial love, that is, I love someone because of their great personality, sense of humor, because of their generosity or kindness, because they are great with kids, because they are a fine leader, etc, etc. “Even though” love is more difficult and not always framed as love: even though you are argumentative, even though you are painfully shy, even though you don’t like running marathons, even though you annoy me sometimes, I love you still. Even though love is gracious: grace is awesome. Consider how and when “even though” love is appropriate during dating relationships and when it is best reserved for a marriage with its legal commitments.
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Consider the Core Values for Dating
After besides seeking God first, doing unto others, and loving your neighbor as yourself, (Agape), these core values need to be in the forefront of the dating youth’s mind.
- Being respectful.
- Being honest.
- Keeping your purity: valuing virtues, your safety, your reputation, and the other’s feelings both now and in the future.
Respect: Perhaps, this is also gentleness, kindness, and appreciation.
Teach youth to respect their body, their reputation, and their role in God’s plan; to treat others as siblings or part of your family. Emphasize and honor the institution of marriage and God’s learning objectives for sexuality and reproduction.
Boys especially need to be taught chivalry, that is, that they are protectors of girls. They are their servants with duties to shoulder with fortitude, courage and obedience. Their goal is to make girls feel special and free to pursue their interests, to bring them peace and freedom. Girls especially need to be taught civility, that is, that they are patrons of boys, that they are their inspiration and ideal. They need to inhabit their pedestals with grace and gentleness. They need to know what the Scriptures mean then they speak of a gentle and quiet spirit. Their goal is to make boys feel strong and capable of providing domestic peace and safety and to bring them purpose and courage to do their work. Respect is not old-fashioned or medieval. It may be here perhaps overly simplistic but a little respect goes a long way in dating and in daily life.
Honesty: This is integrity in word and deed.
Explore how to know what you want and how to communicate what you want. To be honest, you must be true to your own wishes and if you are unhappy, must end a dating relationship. Don’t just hang around with someone because you like it better than being alone – it is not fair to him or her and akin to just using him or her! Nobody deserves that.
Saying let’s just be friends is a rejection of sorts, but people need to learn that this is honest and friendly at its core— and not to be dissuaded at all, but in fact encouraged! Who doesn’t need friends?
Stay honest about the drives that inevitably affect relations between men and women. Men and women can’t be close friends without moving towards courtship, unless they are both already in a committed relationship. Any exclusivity and sharing of intimate secrets is inherently moving towards a kind of intimate relationship that ought to include the other’s spouse. Don’t share inner feelings and thoughts with someone in an intimate manner if you don’t think you might marry them someday – it is leading them on. The potential for misunderstanding is too huge; don’t play with people.
Consider when to say, “I love you.” Never say I love you when you don’t. Cut off dating if you have decided to not commit. Don’t force the other person to dump you first—it is not kind to pretend to be interested in someone, but better to end it before they waste more time with you. Remember respect first when you are being honest—don’t be cruel.
Talk to youth about the temptation to, when dating, act in a way that you are not normally. This might seem fun at first, but it is dishonest not to be yourself, express your likes and dislikes, beliefs and disbeliefs to someone who is trying to get to know you. Don’t hide aspects of your personality.
Discuss the peer pressures that people feel when dating. Especially during limerance you may feel the temptation to give in to someone’s desires to have you engage in behaviors that you would not normally engage in… You will want to comply so that they will like you, but compliance sends the wrong message about who you are. Be honest and stand up for yourself, even if it makes you unpopular with someone you value. Never bow to peer pressure, prevent future regrets, guard your life, reputation, body and salvation.
Teach youth to never pretend to be pleased when they aren’t—tell a date your fears and worries if you are afraid or worried.
Teach youth to ask for help when they are confused and to take a break to give them time to weigh choices. Rushing things is seldom helpful.
Purity: This is straight-up self-control and an implicit valuing of lifelong relationships.
Teach youth that the proper boundaries around dating are to never create a moment worthy of a marriage until after marriage. Any marriage-like physical intimacy has a great potential to be regretted later on in life, especially if one ends up marrying someone else. Purity is also an expression of Love for God. He says sex is a gift reserved for marriage: who are you to second guess his will and try to circumvent his recipe for your life? Obedience brings peace: extramarital sex is forbidden, so don’t do it.
Teach other benefits of having self-discipline and building character, similar to weight-training or sports skills and practice. Self-control has many benefits.
Teach respect for future spouses as a guide for physical intimacy. If you care about your neighbor’s future feelings, you need to start today, while dating their future spouse. Preserve their reputation and yours.
Teach a proper understanding of the flesh’s desires. People should not want to be controlled by nerve endings. Devalue hedonism and expose its folly. Value virtue.
Teach and model valuing children. No one wants to bring an unwanted child into the world. We want children to have a good home with mother and father. Why risk giving your accidental offspring potentially difficult lives with multiple families to live between?
Teach youth to appreciate of the advantages of monogamous marriage: disease free, cost effective, cozy, high quality physical intimacy, high frequency intimacy, and a safe harbor for kids, just to name a few. Monogamy with long-term commitment makes difficulties less hard, not scary, and joys more lasting. The assurance and trust built over time cannot be rushed and cannot be discounted.
Take every chance to degrade Hollywood cartoonish portrayals of “love”: that isn’t reality. Love is more complicated than what you can show in a movie and requires more decisions and compromises.
De-fetishize the act of coupling. Finding a mate is nice, but be reasonable: it is also a lot of work and compromise on what to do, when to do it and where to live… it isn’t easy to coordinate two lives, even on a normal day. (Paul says he would spare you from this; having to care about what your spouse thinks – he says it is better to be free to preach.)
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Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Here’s the touchy subject. How do you teach youth to keep to their physical boundaries when their hormones are raging? Start with the core values of Honesty and Respect and introduce the importance of privacy and propriety (which requires valuing Purity).
Teach youth that their body is their own and that physical affection is a precious gift to bestow at the right time, in the right environment, with the proper self-controls of chivalry and civility between partners.
Talk with youth about how someone who does not value boundaries as YOU define them, isn’t respectful of YOU. Teach them to ditch boundary-disrespecters politely, but firmly.
Especially timid young women need to be taught that someone who thinks stealing or forcing physical contact on someone is even allowed sometimes is the lowest of the low. They must ROLE PLAY the act of powerfully and forcefully protecting their boundaries with aggressive people.
Everyone should, but Boys especially, need to be taught how to negotiate boundaries; the rules are:
- Always ask first before invading someone’s space, even sitting nearby him or her.
- Always express appreciation for gift of company, even just sitting next to them, even if it is not as much closeness as you wanted.
- Always let the person who is most reserved dictate the pace of physical relations and be quick to apologize for any miscommunications or accidentally misunderstand a cue.
- Never be offended by rebuke; it’s a right to control one’s own body. Respect boundaries; don’t be offended that they are voiced, thank them for setting clear boundaries; don’t be pushy with giving your attentions after a rebuke; accept it.
- Be clear about your boundaries; be willing to say it again if needed.
- Don’t be offended by attentions; be as encouraging as you can without leading them on (very difficult to do for very attractive people without being surrounded constantly by admirers).
- Be quick to apologize if boundaries are accidentally broken.
- Accept sincere apologies for miscommunications if boundaries are broken accidentally.
- Don’t be physically focused: people have brains, too.
- Only jerks disobey boundaries: Don’t shy from rebuking jerks! Teach especially timid young women how to correct jerks with power. One can be forceful without being violent.
- Never submit to coercion or force: protect yourself with power; get away from abusers any way you can; don’t protect their reputations, but rather, be honest about it so that other people can be warned; this is part of loving your neighbor.
- Coercion and force in affectionate interaction is SINFUL, immoral, reprehensible (even among unbelievers!), and criminal. No means no. Period.
Modesty, or Visual boundaries:
Young women especially, need to be told how a testosterone-laden teenage male brain works with frank honesty. If they knew the effect their high cut or low cut article of clothing had on their peers, they would probably think twice about wearing it. Sensuousness is an assault on your male companions thoughts: young women must have mercy on the young men. They must learn propriety in dress and action; the rules are:
- Cover up, modesty is beautiful, sensuousness is an assault on your companions’ thoughts, have mercy, be kind, respect their flesh, don’t be a temptress (Respect and Purity).
- Don’t obsess about your appearance. Do obsess about your character and reputation and seeking God.
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How to Encourage Healthy Dating
Set a good Scriptural foundation for life first. How can you find a relationship with humans when you can’t settle your relationship with your heavenly Father? In all we do, we seek God first.
Consider using a Story-telling approach to share your experiences with teens, your successes and failures, your regrets and happiness. The Lord uses stories to teach, so why shouldn’t we?
Youth leaders should be conscious that they must provide a good model of how to love, respect, be honest, and be pure. Leaders must speak of the benefits of marriage and singleness in public and private conversation. They must praise single lifestyles and not pity or belittle unmarried people. They must praise purity, friendship, and commitments.
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Warning Signs of Poor Dating and Courtship Events
- On again, off again dating.
- Not wanting to introduce to family or friends or spend time with them, a relationship in a privacy chamber isn’t a normal relationship.
- Not sharing experiences (means they aren’t proud of it; don’t want to lie).
- High sarcasm within the couple; backbiting.
- Vehement disagreement while dating.
- Tears, violence, manipulation, coercion, excessive worry.
- Extended dating without one of the three core facets of consummate love:
- No intimate, sharing communications
- No physical affection desired
- All physical affection without intellectual sharing
- No commitment or failure to follow through; postponements
Teach youth to recognize bad relationship ideals, such as:
- “I can’t live without you.”
- No: I can live without you. I may not want to right now, but I can live without you. Romeo and Juliet were stupid children.
- “Our love is unchanging.”
- No: My love for you will definitely change. (My commitment won’t).
- “You are everything that I need.”
- No: You provide much of what of what I want and need, but not everything. Nobody could bear that much responsibility and it is not fair to expect such a crazy thing.
- “Please, dear, don’t ever change.”
- No: I will hold you close when you want and give you room to grow when you want—you are not my possession; we will mutually support each other as we change and grow.
- “We are just alike and like all the same things.”
- Possibly, but so what? We don’t have to be the same; you are interesting when you are different from me.
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How to Facilitate Healthy Dates
Promote safe practices to prevent heartache and alleviate pressures on your youth while they are dating. Recommend and facilitate the following kinds of dates:
- Service dates: The couple are given the chance to spend time working together in some act of charity: babysitting, yard work, home repair, visiting shut-ins or seniors, feeding the poor, etc.
- Chaperoned activities: Promote the benefits of chaperones; such as although there is less privacy, there is also less pressure. With more privacy comes more worry. Offer to chaperone dates for youth in your ecclesia.
- Double dates: A time-honored, fun tradition, double dates provide support and alleviate pressures.
- Group dates: This is a double date multiplied: awesome fun and a super way to get to know lots of people at once.
- Public events with lots of people: These dates have less pressure and ample chance to get to know people.
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Prepare Youth
Predict what to expect from society and peers. Explain what they will say, do, encourage and push on youth – sex, drugs, drinking, cussing, disrespectful talk about marriage and the opposite sex, eager to complain, be cruel, mistreat others, be intolerant of differences, to abuse the weak, cheat the fatherless, feed their greed. Teach youth the words to resist peers politely with grace and patience. Teach them the actions and choices that edify and seek God.
Always belittle worldly ways and never tire of insulting Hollywood and modern society. Don’t withhold giving credit where credit is due however—some things are noble in the world (few and hard to find, but some things are) and you can gain credibility by finding something and praising it when it is really praiseworthy.
Plan:
Teach youth how to envision the ideal dating relationship. Tell them where to go, what to do, read, watch, listen to together to set the stage for lifelong habits. Help them to formulate the ultimate personal goals of their dating.
Facilitate making promises to each other, that is, make pacts.
Role-play the outcomes of various choices in dating.
Teach the words for awkward and difficult events.
Support:
Youth leaders provide support and help. They need to be ready to weep with them that weep. Youth need support to deal with these issues – and to open up when they won’t readily talk about it. Humor and sincere honesty can help leaders to show that we are all in the same awkward boat at their age and that embarrassments happen to us all. Tell stories, lots of them.
Teach 12 year olds how to talk to people of the opposite sex; how to ask someone out on a date, how to say yes or no, how to treat one another on a date.
Promote practicing how to deal with unwanted advances and how to handle rejection.
Teach politeness, propriety, and good manners repeatedly.
Teach that relationships are agonizing and that loneliness is, too. Whether you marry or stay single, you will have some loneliness.
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Activities for Youth and Youth Leaders
Listen to fears and worries of the teens.
Discuss expectations and try to make them less unrealistic while preserving idealism.
Have high expectations.
Model good interactions and stifle the poor examples you may jest of with your peers.
Facilitate being available for chats (informal, relaxed, confidential):
What do you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend?
What do you want in a husband?
How do you know you are in love?
What are your goals?
Testimonials can be beneficial for all ages, tell your personal stories; share time; divulge your weaknesses, confess your faults. Consider these topics:
Mistakes I made when dating
How did I feel when disappointed by dating?
Why I married whom I did
What I admire most about my spouse
What I like/dislike most about marriage
What does love feel like?
How old were you and were you prepared for dating?
What did you do right in your own dating history?
What do you regret about your own dating history?
How did you learn how to control yourself?
How did you make a choice in whom to marry? How did you know?
How does love change over time?
Encourage making Serious Promises: facilitate making agreements and pacts between friends and youth leaders; I promise to remain pure until my wedding, etc.
Host a Movie Night: to belittle Hollywood portrayals of love— have some analysis, discussion and strong refutation of (or possibly support of) Hollywood
Host a Music Appreciation Night: share song lyrics about love— include listening, discussion, analysis and refutation (or support) of the silly sentiments and the poor thinking in popular music.
Host a Dessert Night: with discussions of Recipes for Love and Happy Relationships:
Write out the recipes of God’s Ideals for Dating and Marriage and then make some real dessert with youth. Think about the awful substitutions that could be made for essential ingredients, maybe make some of them, and then liken those to worldly, fleshly ideals for sexuality. Draw the parallels between people who obey God’s recipe and those who try to make up their own concoctions.
Set up mentoring programs: newly married people with teens, preferably not related to them; perhaps even secret mentors to ensure privacy.
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