Male Homosexuality

Executive Summary Immediate Steps to Take FAQ Results from Christadelphian Survey Causes of Homosexuality Assistance The Bible on Homosexuality Final Advice Suggested Reading Other Resources Video: Sexual Identity and Homosexuality Audio: Sexual Identity and Homosexuality

Executive Summary

There is hope.  You might feel that you are the only one experiencing homosexual feelings.  You are not alone.  There are many people, including Christadelphians, who are experiencing these same feelings.  In the survey that was taken by 427 Christadelphian Young People, 7% of them said they were attracted to members of the same sex. You are not alone. 

Facing the reality that you have homosexual attractions has probably struck fear into your life.  Questions such as, How can I reconcile these feelings with my beliefs?  Are these feelings ever going to change?   Why do I feel this way?  Do others feel this way?  Does God love me? And so on…

There is hope.  Hope of change.  Change is possible. You may say that change is impossible. You may be saying, “I've prayed to God countless times to take away these feelings, read my Bible, gone to Bible Schools, and tried to live my life the best I could to the LORD and still have these feelings.”  God is the master healer, and with any of our problems, God is at the heart of healing.

For surely I know the plans I have for you says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope (Jer. 29:11).

All of mankind is flawed, weak, and of a fallen nature.  We all struggle with lust and temptation, some different than others.  We are all in need of healing.  There are many that have been in the same position that you are in and have changed their homosexual attractions and learned to better handle their emotions. You are not alone.   We hope this resource gives you the opportunity to understand the reason why you may feel the way you do, and with the help of God, the ability to change.

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Immediate Practical Steps to Take

Talk to someone

It is crucial that you talk to someone about what you are going through.  Trying to suppress and keep these feelings to yourself will only make it more difficult.   You need the help and support of other people to assist you with this burden.  Talk to someone whom you trust and who will listen.  Talk to your parents, a brother or a sister in your ecclesia, or someone that you know will give you good advice. 

Sometimes you may feel the need to talk to someone outside the truth, because you feel they won’t judge you or scorn you.  However, they may not understand your commitment to God and how that influences your feelings.

If you feel that you have no one to turn to, please contact us at cycresource@gmail.com or for immediate help call the Christadelphian Caring Network - 866.823.1039. Also, if you are going to talk to someone about your homosexual feelings and are worried that they may not understand, suggest that they read this article or speak to us.

Make healthy relationships with the same sex

Having healthy relationships with other men will help greatly in your struggles.  You are probably afraid to connect with other men in a healthy way but this is crucial to the change of your homosexual feelings.  Your homosexual feelings are a symptom of a deeper issue. Further on in this resource, you can read about how to develop healthy relationships with other men which will help heal the deep, unmet need of masculinity. 

Surrender to God

Surrendering your life to God is critical since He is the master healer.  You may feel that this is one of the last things you want to do because it is God who allows you to have these feelings.  God may have allowed you to have them but He is willing to help you work through the issue.  God understands our circumstances and He is right there to help us put the pieces back together.  We need God in our lives or we are incomplete, lost, and unable to be healed without Him. 

Forgiveness

True and real forgiveness is very important in healing the wounds that have been created.  Forgiveness acts as spiritual surgery to the deep wounds that have been left by life’s circumstances.  You probably have experienced a lot of pain from friends, family, or others who may have betrayed you.  Try to let go and forgive any of those who have hurt you.  It’s important that you forgive and accept your natural father.  If you lack the power to forgive, pray to God to help give you the strength you need to forgive.

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Frequently Asked Questions

1. What percentage of the population is gay?

Most studies agree that about 2 percent of the population have had at least one homosexual experience in the previous few years. In a large survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center in 1992, 2.8 percent of men and 1.4 percent of women identified themselves as "homosexual" or "bisexual" (LeVay 62).

2. Why do I have homosexual attractions (feelings)?
This question is answered in fuller detail below in the section “Causes of homosexuality.”

This is a very complex question and one that is highly debated in our society.   There is no one explanation that will address every single person who has homosexual attractions.  It has been shown through clinical studies that the family relationship and environment play a critical role in the development of homosexual feelings. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, who has worked with thousands of homosexual men trying to change their homosexual orientation and ­­   hundreds of families regarding male homosexuality, stated at a conference: “Homosexuality is a gender identity disorder.   It's root causes are the longing for male attention and acceptance.  Every little boy needs to be loved and affirmed of his maleness (masculinity) by his father.  Non sexual touch from the father is crucial in the developing of the little boys masculine identity.   If the little boy perceives that he never receives this attention and acceptance, it will develop into a deeper void and his cravings for male attention will get stronger.   With the onset of puberty, those feelings are then sexualized” (NARTH). 

The phrase of, “opposite attracts” rings very true.  Since the young man now sees himself as not being a member of the “guys”, he feels more comfortable around girls.  As a result, men are seen as being opposite and different from him, while women are seen as being like him.  Since men are seen as being opposite, he is attracted to men.  The sexual attraction is the result of the inner needs of male connection not being met.  It is important to understand that these feelings are normal because he never received the love from his father that was needed. 

Sexual abuse at a young age plays an important part in men having homosexual attractions.   “Approximately 40% of men who have homosexual feelings were sexually molested as a child” (NARTH).  

A third reason for homosexual attractions are the predisposed characteristics one is born with that can lead to rejection by peers. It must be emphasized that, homosexuality is at its core an identity problem, also referred to as gender emptiness. He is confused and uncertain about his manhood.  Dr. Nicolosi states in his book  Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality, 

“Homosexuality is not primarily about sex.  It is about everything else including loneliness, rejection, affirmation, intimacy, identity, relationships, parenting, self-hatred, gender confusion, and a search for belonging.  This is why the homosexual experience is so intense.”

3.  Was I born this way?

One of the main ideas spread regarding homosexuality throughout our society is that being homosexual is caused by genetics.  In short, that people who have homosexual attractions were born that way.  Assuming homosexuality is genetic reduces the problem to the realm of the inevitable.  Logic may then conclude, being gay is as natural as other genetic traits such as going bald. So why fight it?  Clearly there are many who have an agenda if they prove this is the case. However, if it is not genetic, then it has other origins that can be understood and dealt with.  Please consider that there are no respected geneticists in the world who claim to have found the ‘gay gene’.  For example identical twin studies show that if one twin is so called "born" homosexual, then there is only a 50% chance that the other is also homosexual. If the cause of Homosexuality was simply genetic we would see results that are much greater tham 50%.  (Dobson, 2001, p.116).    A very famous geneticist, Dr. Dean Hamer said, “There is not a single master gene that makes people gay…”  James Dobson notes, "If homosexuality were genetically transmitted, it would be inevitable, immutable, irresistible, and untreatable.   There are temperaments that individuals are born with that may predispose not predetermine one to be homosexual. “
 
4.  Is homosexuality a choice?

Here is one of the biggest misconceptions regarding this topic. It is believed that if homosexual attractions are not genetic, than it must be a choice.  Wrong.   Homosexual feelings are actually developed during childhood and it happens so early in childhood that those with homosexual feelings (or who have felt different from men) have felt that way ever since they can remember.   Having homosexual feelings is not a matter of choice, but acting upon those feelings is a choice.  Most men who have homosexual feelings would do anything to be heterosexual. 

5.  If I have homosexual feelings am I sinning?

As  mentioned earlier, having homosexual feelings is not a choice.   It’s important to remember that if you or someone you know is struggling with homosexuality, you are not sining just because you have homosexual thoughts..  If you enjoy and dwell on these lustful thoughts, then you are sinning.  We all have thoughts that are contrary to what God would want us to do but if we dismiss them like Jesus did with his temptations, then God is pleased.  On the contrary, if a wrong thought comes into mind and you decide to fantasize and dwell on it, then you are committing a sin.

6.  Will my attractions go away if I focus on liking a girl?

It is thought that if you focus on liking a girl or someone of the opposite sex your homosexual attractions will go away.  That is not true.   Since the roots of the homosexual attractions are the need of same sex love (male connection), then love from a woman is not what is needed.  Contrary to popular belief, the homosexual dilemma isn't difficulty relating to women, but difficulty relating to men (Konrad).  Elizabeth Moberly, a writer on this issue states, “It has already been pointed out that marriage is a mistaken solution for homosexuality, since opposite sex contact cannot remedy same-sex deficits.” 

7.    How do I find someone to talk to?

As mentioned earlier in this resource, it is very important that you talk to someone about what you are going through.  It is important that you go to someone whom you know will give you the right advice.  There are a lot of different beliefs regarding this topic.  There are those who will tell you that you were born this way and you should accept and live a homosexual lifestyle.  While there are those who have made you feel that you chose to be homosexual and God hates those who have homosexual feelings.  As a result, you may feel easily persuaded to turn to those who will accept you exactly as you are and live a homosexual lifestyle. 

Both of those beliefs are wrong.  You should talk to someone that you trust and who will support you in the right direction. If you are going to talk to someone whom you trust and respect, but does not understand the topic, you should encourage them to look into this subject.  Encourage them to read this resource to help them get a better understanding on how they can help and support you.  It must be emphasized to be very careful who you talk to since there are differences of beliefs on this topic and receiving the wrong guidance and information can be harmful.  Please feel free to contact us at cycresource@gmail.com if you would like to talk with us. 

8.  What if I speak to someone and they reject me?

It is important to remember that even though there are those that will reject you, there are also others that will understand and help you.  If someone does reject you, most likely it is out of ignorance.  They have been misinformed and do not understand the topic of homosexuality.  You may want to possibly encourage them to read this resource or encourage them to talk to someone who understands the topic.

9.    Am I really gay? (What if I was attracted once looking at a guy, or have had a homosexual experience, does that mean I’m gay?)

Growing up physically, mentally, and emotionally can be a very confusing time in our lives.  Since we are not born fully developed in all of those three areas, there will be times    we will feel confusion in our lives.  It is very common for men to question their male identity and how they measure up to other men.  We might compare our bodies to other males and see how ours compares. We might compare our personalities to other males to see how we compare. Does it mean that just because we are caught looking at another man that we are now homosexual?  No.

Also, really understanding our emotions can be difficult.  We may think that we are attracted to a good looking guy when really we were just envious of his looks.  We might have wanted to have the same build that he has. We possibly were jealous and wanted to have the same muscular build  . As mentioned, if you think   you were attracted to another man, do not start jumping to conclusions   you are “gay” or “homosexual.”  It’s very easy to get confused and misunderstand our true feelings. Talk to another man that you trust about some of your concerns.  There have been a lot of men who have questioned their identity who were not homosexual.

10.  What if I have some homosexual thoughts, but have heterosexual ones too?

Since being heterosexual is not something we are born with but develop as we grow, things can happen that stunt the process of fully developing heterosexuality.  As mentioned in this resource, homosexuality has its roots in gender development (Refer to “Causes of Homosexuality” ).  It is only when one has been affirmed of his masculinity and feels as “one of the guys” that his attraction towards women can develop.  While growing up, most boys go through the stage when girls have “the cooties.”  That was the time when it wasn’t cool to be hanging around the girls.  It was cool to hang around with all the other boys.  Eventually, there becomes a time when the boy starts to observe and notice “girls.”  This is not just because a boy hits puberty that he starts to be attracted to girls, but emotionally he perceives himself as being a male and is attracted to the opposite sex. The phrase, “opposites attract” is very true.  The reason this needs to be understood is because, if you have both homosexual and heterosexual thoughts, then you have not fully developed your masculinity. A person who only has homosexual thoughts was stunted earlier along the process where you have developed further but not completely.  See further on in this resource in the “Assistance” section where there is helpful information on how to change and develop towards complete heterosexuality. 

11.  What if I I’ve had good relationships with guys/my father, how come I have homosexual feelings? 

Well, you may now have good relationships with your father and other men but it is very possible while you were very young and before you can remember, there may have been a disconnection or barrier between you and your father. Between the ages of three and five is a very critical time for the formation of gender identity. These years are hard to even remember.  You may feel that you have good relationships with men but you should examine to see if you really have close and intimate relationships with men. We can sometimes think that we are close with men but in reality have put up barriers so that we stay separated from men so as not to be  hurt again.  It’s important to remember that subconsciously you may have put up emotional walls that you are not aware of. 

12.  How long does it take to get over homosexual feelings, what does the process involve?

Change is more often made by degrees rather than by complete transformation.  Change takes time and is a gradual process. Any type of improvement is positive change.  It’s important that you realize   you may never lose your attraction to men, but that it will fade and lessen to the point   it does not rule and control your life.  Some have lessened their attractions to the point that they are nonexistent. You must be patient.  It typically takes months, years, or even a lifetime for change to occur.  For further information on change, read the “Assistance” section of this resource. 

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Results from Christadelphian Survey

The following statistics are from a survey that was taken by Christadelphian Young people from all over the world.  In particular, 427 respondents answered the section regarding homosexuality in which the following question was asked in the survey:  ‘I am attracted to members of the same sex’.  The breakdown of the answers are in the table below: 

Homosexuality and homosexual feelings, though not necessarily being acted upon, exist among young people in our community, especially young men under age 18. 

Homosexuality and homosexual feelings, though not necessarily being acted upon, exist among young people in our community, especially young men under age 18.  

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Causes of Homosexuality

As mentioned in the FAQ section, most of male homosexuality has its roots in early childhood.   Dr. Joseph Nicolosi, stated, “When a baby is born, it is automatically identified with its mother.  Whether male or female, the baby is making a connection with its mother.  Between the ages of 1.5 and 3 years old, the boy begins to perceive there is male and female.  He has to make a choice as to his identity.  The boy has to dis-identify from his mother and start to identify with his father.  This is critical.  The boy needs encouragement and assistance from both of his parents for this transition to take place.  ”The boy needs to perceive his father as being strong and loving, worthy of imitation” (NARTH, 2005).  Chad Thompson, one who is overcoming homosexuality writes, “Oftentimes, a male child whose father is brutal and insensitive will reject his father’s masculinity.  He will unconsciously say to himself, ‘If this is what it means to be a man, I don’t want anything to do with it.’”  In such a case, he will be prevented from identifying with his gender.  This is extremely significant because the child who rejects his father’s masculinity rejects his own masculinity as well, likely favoring the more sensitive and thoughtful characteristics that he sees in his mother (2004 p. 118).  Dr. Nicolosi also went on to say, “The girl does not need to make this transition.  This could be one of the main reasons why there is a higher percentage of male homosexuality compared to female homosexuality.  A female gets her identity from her mother.  The boy sees he is biologically male and sees that there is difference between him and his mother.  Remember, he must dis-identify from his mother and identify with his father and to make this crucial change, the father must be perceived as warm and receptive.  If the boy perceives the father as uninterested and emotionally detached, the boy will reach out and feel hurt.   I want to stress this point very clearly because it is how the boy perceives his father and whether or not he identifies with him.”  His perception may be wrong since the father may be trying to connect and love his son but the boy does not see it that way. 

With all of his experience with male homosexuals, Dr. Joseph Nicolosi sees the following relationship of the father, mother, and son without exception:  An over emotional, strong personality, over powering mother.  A hostile and non expressive father.  An imaginative, creative, and artistic son.  The mother and son typically have a special relationship.  The father and son have a guarded and antagonistic relationship.  If he has an older brother, it is a feared and hostile relationship in the boy’s early childhood (NARTH).  

The boy then builds a wall around him to protect himself from being hurt by men.  This wall becomes apparent between the ages of five to twelve years old.  He becomes the ‘kitchen window’ boy, who looks up at his male peers playing aggressively and, what appears to him, dangerously.  He is attracted to the other boys and at the same time, he is frightened by what they are doing (Nicolosi 58).  The young boy still carries silently within him a terrible longing for the warmth, love, and encircling arms of the father he never did nor could have (Satinover 221).  Joe Dallas states in his book, Desires of Conflict, “After all, confidence with peers is largely determined by confidence at home.  So if a boy feels ill-equipped to deal with other boys through traditional masculine activities, he will be inclined to avoid those activities, which disrupts his abilities to bond with other boys, which reinforces his belief that he is un-masculine” (107).   Defensive detachment becomes particularly apparent when the pre-homosexual boy enters the latency period, six to twelve years old.  These feelings are still present in his older years with regards to his relationship with his friends (peers).  He wants to connect with them but he is afraid of being rejected because of the rejection he felt in his early years.  He does not feel adequate or strong enough so he feels more comfortable being at home doing  things with his mother or sisters.  As a result, that inner need to feel like a man and connect with the male world is not met. 

Here is an example to illustrate the point: Gerard thought he was more accepting of girls than boys since he thought his father didn’t like him.  With that perception of himself, he entered elementary school believing he should play with the girls, which reinforced his gender identity problems and caused other boys to likewise consider him a sissy.  The label stuck (even though there was nothing noticeably feminine about Gerard) and he went through his first 23 years of life convinced he was decidedly not masculine (Dallas 108). 

With the onset of puberty, those feelings are then sexualized.   “That which is exotic becomes erotic. The sexual attraction is a result of the inner needs of male affirmation not being met (NARTH)”. “We do not sexualize what we identify with; when we identify with someone, we are no longer sexually attracted to them.  It is always to the other than ourselves that we are drawn” (Thompson 2006).  

A man who overcame his homosexual feelings writes:  “Through my therapeutic experiences, I learned that my homosexual attractions and behavior were symptoms of a deeper need. This need is to receive love from other men in a non-sexual way. Early childhood sexual abuse, an emotionally distant and detached father, unhealthy relationships with my mother and grandmothers and a feeling of non-acceptance from other boys and men all caused my homosexual attractions. Because I was wounded at such an early age, I shut down emotionally to protect myself. This kept out more pain from coming in, but it also kept me from receiving same-sex love that I so desperately needed (http://www.narth.com/docs/listen.html).”

Another man who struggled with homosexuality writes, “I have never felt loved or affirmed as a son or as a man by my father.  I don't even remember him holding me, telling me he loves me, that I am good, or that he is proud of me (Payne 62).  

Sexual abuse

Children who are victims of sexual molestation also seem to be more prone to have homosexual feelings.  Approximately 40% of homosexual men were sexually abused by older men (Tomeo, M., Templer, D., Anderson, S., Kotler, D. 2001).
 
Predisposing Characteristics

As mentioned earlier, there is no gay gene that has been found.  So what role do our genetics play?  One is not born being homosexual but one might be born with characteristics that would influence a person’s environmental factors.  A very small percentage of boys may be born with characteristics that are considered feminine, visa versa with girls being born with characteristics that are masculine.  One having those characteristics might be more likely to be rejected by his own peers.  Being rejected by his peers can choke his gender identification.  Also, a boy’s temperament can play a role in how he perceives the outside world.  If a boy is more sensitive, he is more likely to perceive rejection that does not even exist.  A father may try to reach out to his son but the son is too scared to reach out to his father.  That is why boys who have a very strong father presence in their life can also develop homosexual attractions.  In conclusion, homosexuality is not something that one is genetically born with, but a child might be born with characteristics that could predispose him to homosexuality. 

Gender non-conformity

If a boy is developing behavior that would be categorized as being feminine, there is a high predictability he will be homosexual.  A study was done that linked a 75% correlation between gender non-conformity and adult homosexuality (Zucker).  This meant that boys who acted in feminine ways  during their childhood were 75% more likely to have homosexual attractions as adults.   

What if genetic?

Even if one day it is found that homosexuality is genetic, it does not mean that it is then approved by God.  The Bibles view on homosexuality is explained in further detail in the section “The Bible on Homosexuality.”

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Assistance

We have all heard the cliché, people hate change.  Why is that?  We typically feel comfortable with what we know, and we fear the unknown.  Even though the unknown might be better, it takes courage to step into the unknown.  By nature we are inclined to avoid things that might produce pain, even if we know that in the long run we will benefit from them. 

Joe Dallas, who has personally worked through homosexuality writes, “People definitely can and do change.  I think, believe, and know that to be true.  But when they change, it is more often by degrees than by complete transformation” (125).  Change takes time and is a process. Any type of improvement is positive change.  It’s important that you realize that you may never lose your attraction to men, but that it will fade and lessen to the point that it does not rule and control your life.  Some have lessened their attractions to the point that they are nonexistent. 

Paul writing to the Corinthians says, “Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

We see from Paul there were those who used to live a homosexual lifestyle but have changed.  He writes, “And that is what some of you were.” 

Another man who overcome his homosexuality, wrote: “The journey has been the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was worth it. Today, I am a different man -- stronger, healthier, happier, more loving, more confident, more mature. I am a better father, a better husband, a better friend, and a more devoted son of God. I would never trade the peace, growth and healing I have experienced for anything in the world (http://www.peoplecanchange.com/About_Us_Park.htm).”

Is Change Possible?

Before even discussing about how to change, you are probably thinking, is change even possible?  Here are some statistics regarding people who were able to change their homosexual feelings.  This table was taken from page 186 in the book, “Homosexuality and the Politics of Change.” 

To understand the table below, the ‘Author’ is the treatment provider.  The ‘treated’ column is the amount of people who were treated to change their homosexual orientation.  The ‘changed’ column are those who changed their homosexual orientation, and the ‘success rate’ column is the percentage of those treated who changed their homosexual orientation.

*From “considerable” to “complete” change
**of which only 64 sought change
***of which only 14 sought change
****30 year follow up for majority 
As shown above, change is possible, very possible. 

Surrender to God

What is most important is that we keep God and his son, Jesus at the focus of healing.  God thinks you are important and wants you to be in His kingdom. He wants to help with any of your struggles.  Try to build a relationship with God and with Jesus, who are there to help you in your life.  He sent His Son into the world to save sinners which we all are.  This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief (1Ti 1:15).  Do not let a day go by when you do not remember that fact.  If you are feeling lonely or depressed, God is right there willing to listen to your every need.  You are important and God wants you with your special talents to be used in this life to bring glory and honor to Him and to be used in His kingdom. 

Also, the better you understand the character and love of God, the easier it will be to surrender to God.  Surrendering to God is critical to change.  In Alcoholics Anonymous, the foundation of their healing is surrender.  Similar to AA, you need to surrender to the fact that you are powerless over homosexuality and that your life has become unmanageable.   Also, you believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you (Satinover 171).  Any of our personal struggles remind us of our human weakness and that we must depend on God for our daily strength.  The Apostle Paul writing about his own weaknesses, Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).  Even though he asked God to take away his weakness (we don’t know what that was), God did not take it away. Paul recognized that God would help him with his weakness, and that it was God who truly sustained him.

The Bible tells us that everyone is in need of redemption and healing and it only comes through the name of Jesus Christ.  It’s important you take time to help strengthen that relationship and get to know God and Jesus.  Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began.

Forgiveness of Others

Forgiveness is absolutely vital to healing and change.  Concerning homosexuality (SSA – same sex attraction) forgiveness of your parents and any of those that have hurt you is crucial to helping you overcome your attractions.  Forgiving your father is not an easy task because it often means accepting your father for who he is, with his limitations, including his limited ability to demonstrate love, affection, and acceptance.  It’s understandable that you will have anger toward him for allowing certain things to happen, but harboring anger and bitterness toward your father will only fuel your homosexual attractions.  Also, most parents do not want to intentionally do anything to hurt their children.  Most of the time, parents had tried to reach out to their children but the children have perceived it incorrectly.  Alan Medinger writes, Most of us have fathers who wanted to be good fathers, but because of something in them, in us, or in the circumstances of our lives when we were growing up, they weren't the fathers that we needed.  But we are not in a position to judge them.  Who is to say, given how they were dealt with by their own fathers, or given the circumstances of their lives when we were growing up that they could have been any better?  We cannot sit in judgment; we can only forgive (175).

You may feel that you are unable to forgive those who have hurt you.  If so, ask God to help you forgive others.  Go to God in prayer and ask Him to give you the strength to forgive those that have hurt you.  Failure to forgive others and failure to receive forgiveness for ourselves is a huge roadblock to personal healing.  There is great healing when we forgive those who have hurt us.  It is sometimes believed that “time will heal our pain” but “forgiveness of sins” is the real remedy (Payne 31). 

Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots (Luke 23:34).  And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil (Luke 11:4).

We need to follow our example Jesus who forgave those who brutally killed him.  Also, he has given us a model in the Lord’s prayer to forgive those that have hurt us.  If we are to be forgiven for our shortcomings, we need to forgive others. 

Let us never forget our sins and the number of times that we have possibly hurt others.  We cannot expect to receive forgiveness from God if we ourselves do not forgive others.

Forgiveness of our Sins

Not only are we to forgive other peoples’ wrong doings to us, but we need forgiveness of our own personal sins.  John writes in his epistle, If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. We must confess our sins otherwise we cannot receive forgiveness, and without forgiveness, healing is impossible.  A lot of times, it is easier to just blame others for the sins we commit.  It’s important that you do not blame others for what you have done but take responsibility for your actions and ask God for help and forgiveness.

The longer that we take to go to God to repent of our sins, the longer that sin breeds in our heart.  When you sin, go immediately to God and repent.  The common response is to avoid Him because of guilty feelings. But, God is ready to forgive and we are reminded of His forgiveness in the Psalms, He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; (Psalm 103:10-13).

Relationships

It cannot be emphasized enough that personal development depends upon connecting and socializing with others, especially with other males.  It's through interaction with your same-sex peers (men), that you secure a sense of who you are as a male (Konrad 73).  As stated earlier in the resource kit, anything that creates a sense of disconnection between a child and his or her gender can cause homosexual attractions.  On the contrary, anything that creates a sense of connection or reconciliation with one’s gender can eliminate homosexual attractions (Thompson 2004).  Connecting in a nonsexual way with other men will help diminish same sex attractions.  Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, author of Homosexuality:  A New Christian Ethic, writes, “Homosexuality…needs to be solved through relationships.  The solution of same-sex deficits is to be sought through the medium of …nonsexual relationships with members of the same sex (42).”
Be willing to enter into transparent relationships with people. Relationships need to be close and non sexual.  You need to develop non sexual relationships with other men (Dallas 131).  

Be willing to say yes when other men invite you to join them. You might feel awkward and even uneasy doing so, but take the courage to step out of your comfort zone. Be flexible and willing to participate with what other men want to do.  Even though whatever they might be asking you to join them in doing is not your choosing, the companionship will bring its own rewards.

Feeling like you are one of the guys will help your homosexual attractions.  Even though you may be afraid to reach out and connect with other men, it is a vital step in healing your homosexual feelings.  It might bring back memories of rejection from when you have reached out in the past, but try to focus on the positives of reaching out.  Reach out to those in your CYC or Ecclesia.  Reach out to those that you know will respond in kindness. Try to get involved with activities that only men will be involved in.  You can become a part of their lives by joining them when they’re together.  Try to be friendly.  Solomon writes in the Proverbs, “A man that hath many friends, showeth himself to be friendly.” 

Male bonding typically happens through some shared activity.  Men usually do not admit that they need each other even though all men need the support of other men.  A great way of connecting is through sports.  Try to reach out and participate in sports with other guys.  Whether it be football, baseball, tennis, basketball, or golf, try to get out there and have fun with “the guys”.  Also, if you’re nervous about looking bad in front of the guys, ask someone that can help you practice.  Look for men within your circle of friends that are friendly and will be open to trying to help you practice.  Like anything, practice makes perfect.  Once you have been out practicing a sport you will feel more confident to play in a group. However, you do not have to enjoy sports to connect with other guys.  Try to find something that your peers do that you can do. 

It’s important to remember that even though you may feel scared to death or nervous about being in the situation, nobody knows the thoughts that you are having in your head. 

Also, try to find someone whom you can trust and talk to about your struggles.  Find a brother whom you can trust to open up and talk to.  It is written in the book of James to disclose our faults one to another (James 5:16).  Disclosure opens the door to intimate communication and support from people we to whom we choose to admit our weaknesses, and so begins the flow of emotional healing.  Once you allow someone to share in your struggles, you also allow accountability which is a huge help in fighting your struggles. 

Self Image

If you think of yourself as being a man, that will help you to feel like a man.  It is more effective to focus on your identity rather than your behaviors.  Your identity fuels your behaviors.  By transforming your core, you will transform your actions.  First of all, God looks to you as a man.  He created you as a man.  He wants you to live like a man.  As it says in Genesis, God made male and female.  He gave you the biological factors that make it possible for you to be a man of God.  The best example that we have of what is a man, is Jesus Christ.  What characteristics does he have that we can emulate?  He was loving, caring, sensitive, gentle, a lover of God, and kind.  You do not need to be an all star athlete, a power lifter, or the buffest guy in the gym.  Try to look for characteristics that Jesus has that you can emulate.   That will allow you to identify with Jesus.  Once you recognize you have similar characteristics to other men and most importantly Jesus, it will help reinforce and remind yourself that you are man.  A man of God.

Also, remember that homosexual attractions are also based upon envy.  Jeff Konrad, one who also overcame homosexuality wrote,  Here I was 5’11”, good looking, nice build, with a decent amount of hair on my arms, legs and chest,  the very kind of male I was attracted to, but I didn't recognize it.  Why?  Well, men who are unaffirmed in their masculinity often don't see their own masculine traits.  They see only their undesirable traits, or they're so consumed with what they want, that they don't recognize what they have.  As a result of not being affirmed, they suffer from a poor self image and are unable to accept their own characteristics.  They end up unable to accept themselves (82). He also went on to write, I limited myself from growing by clinging to a homosexual identity and allowing insecurities and inhibitions to rule me. At least 90% of my attraction toward other guys was based on envy.  My self-image was so poor that almost every guy caught my eye, and since I didn't recognize these feelings as envy, I interpreted them as homosexual temptation.  Once I realized this was what was happening, I was able to start dealing with it by stopping to dissect the attraction whenever I felt myself being pulled toward another male (197).

Try not to compare yourself to other men.  Comparison causes envy, which leads to low self-esteem, poor self image, and ultimately leads to further comparison.  It's a wretched, destructive cycle.  Masculinity is not what we look like; it's something we are.  You need to see beyond the outward signs of what culture deems masculine and begin to live internally. 

Goals

Goal setting is crucial to success in practically anything that someone tries to do.  In trying to work though your homosexual attractions, take the time to write down what you will try to do.  Avoid making long lists since it might be too overwhelming.  Keep them short, maybe five tasks per list.  At the fifth task be sure to make a new list.  Like this:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.  Make a new list!  

It’s important that you have realistic goals and right priorities.  Write down specific activities or things that you need to do.  Once you set goals, start writing tasks to help achieve these goals.  The tasks need to be simple at first so you don’t quit out of despair.  For example, your goal might be that you want to identify with other guys and start enjoying some healthy interaction with them.  You then would need to set some tasks that would help towards achieving that goal. 
Concentrate on the progress that has taken place.  It’s also important you keep a journal so that you can read about the good days when you’re having a really bad day.  Notice the change in your heart, and the changes in your desires from all that you now know to be true.

Nonsexual Touch

“Touch is one of the primary ways that children receive love from parents during the formative years. It makes sense then that those who feel rejected by, or alienated from, their parents didn’t receive much touch from them during infancy” (Thompson 126).  Receiving non sexual touch from another male reinforces that touch from a man does not need to be sexual.  Try to do activities that encourage non sexual touch with other men.  For many males, the need for same-sex touch gets fulfilled during team sports.  It’s a way to express touch without being called homosexual.  Some men with homosexual feelings might feel that any physical touching of another man will only make things worse. It is important for them to understand that it is healthy for men to touch in a non-sexual way.  Once it is understood that nonsexual touch is needed, the individual who struggles with homosexual feelings will be more likely to participate in non-sexual physical contact with other men.

Disconnect from the “Gay” culture

You may or may not feel identified as part of the “gay culture.”  You may have already identified yourself as gay and be very actively involved in a gay lifestyle.  If so, you are going to need to disconnect from the “gay” culture.  You need to stop doing the activities that are promoted in the gay lifestyle.  The more you are involved with other people who are involved with the gay lifestyle, the less you will be able to move on and the more you will struggle against your homosexual attractions.  You will only be fueling the fire instead of putting it out.  Changing your behavior is a big step in changing the way you feel.  Our actions only reinforce what we think.  The gay culture is very influential and will try it’s hardest to make you believe it’s lies.  Be careful of what you read. You owe it to yourself to research carefully any  information on Homosexuality that is presented to you.

More than likely you probably find it easy to be close and to connect with women.  They have always been easy to understand and as a result, you feel they are buddies.  Seek to change your relationships with women.  You are not one of the girls so start to treat them as the weaker vessel who is deserving of special honor and consideration.  Things you usually do with her, do with men.  Think upon the beautiful characteristics that a woman has and thank God for them. If you haven’t already, start to be courteous towards women and treat them differently from yourself. 

Homosexual Lifestyle

Not only is homosexual behavior wrong in the eyes of God, but the lifestyle has negative consequences.  Following God’s principles has rewards in this life and in the life to come.   There have been more than 500 articles showing that homosexuality is linked to self destructive behavior.  There is more depression, more anxiety, more failed relationships, and more suicide attempts due to the homosexual condition than those that are heterosexual.  In the book, “Homosexuality and The Politics of the Truth” it states the following characteristics of the homosexual lifestyle:

-A significantly decreased likelihood of establishing or preserving a successful marriage
-A twenty five to thirty year decrease in life expectancy
-Chronic, potentially fatal, liver disease – infectious hepatitis which increases the risk of liver cancer.
-AIDS including associated cancers
-Multiple bowel and other infectious diseases
-A much higher than usual incidence of suicide
-A very low likelihood the effects of homosexuality can be healed unless homosexuality itself is healed

It has been estimated that the rate of alcoholism among homosexuals is between 20% and 30%, or three to four times the rate of all American adults.  Also, two thirds that are homosexual said their hands trembled enough to bother them and 40% were apprehensive about having a nervous breakdown.

In one of the most carefully researched studies ever done on the most stable homosexual pairs, it was found that of the 156 homosexual couples studied, only seven had maintained sexual fidelity. Of the hundred couples that had been together for more than five years, none had been able to maintain sexual fidelity. The authors noted that “The expectation for outside sexual activity was the rule for male couples and the exception for heterosexuals” (Satinover 55).  The idea that two men will fall in love and stay faithfully committed to one another for the rest of their lives is pretty much impossible.  Dr. Joe Nicolosi writes, “Do not expect a monogamous homosexual relationship, for recreational affairs are part of the gay lifestyle” (114). 

Another study showed how promiscuous the gay lifestyle is.  A 1981 study revealed that only 2% of homosexuals were monogamous or semi-monogamous – generously defined as ten or fewer lifetime partners.  A 1978 study found that 43 percent of male homosexuals estimated having sex with five hundred or more different partners and 28% with a thousand or more different partners.  79% said that more than half of these partners were strangers and 70% said that more than half were men with whom they had sex only once (Satinover 55).  Three out of ten homosexual men have never had a relationship that survived the one night stand, and most gay men have never had an exclusive relationship with another gay that lasted as long as six months. 

Joe Dallas, one who had experienced the gay world writes, “The gay world is a place that was fraught with promiscuity, lust, obsession with youth and physical appearance, addiction to sex, alcohol and lust. We found judgment, pettiness, spiritual darkness and brokenness. Although we experienced small pieces of healing there at times, for the most part, it only deepened the emotional and spiritual emptiness inside.  Jeff Konrad who also experienced the gay lifestyle writes, Severe depression and dissatisfaction with my homosexual lifestyle, particularly my inherent insecurities and jealousies brought me to an exhaustive study of homosexuality, more specifically, a study in the formation of gender identity (10).

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The Bible on Homosexuality

We live in a time that has difference of opinions and beliefs on every imaginable topic under the sun.  Only until recently has there been such a strong difference of beliefs on the topic of whether or not homosexuality is supported by the Bible.  There are those who state there is nothing wrong scripturally with homosexual relationships; while there is another belief that the Bible has clearly laid out homosexual relationships are wrong and that God is against it.  We will be discussing the passages in the Bible that have typically been used to show that homosexuality is wrong and look at the responses of those that support homosexual relationships and their arguments. Our position is that the Bible clearly condemns homosexual relationships. (Most of the arguments below are taken from the book “A Strong Delusion” by Joe Dallas). 

From the beginning of the Bible, we see the foundation of sexual relationships.  God created Adam and Eve as the first human relationship.  We also see God forming the first sexual relationship between two people.  Man and woman.  We do not see at the beginning two males or two females at the creation of sexual relationships. 

The pro-gay argument: The Genesis account does not forbid homosexuality and a gay couple would not be able to begin the population process.  Also, if someone does not follow the Genesis account by remaining single and not having children, that does not make the person a sinner.  As a result, someone who does not follow the Genesis model and is in a homosexual relationship is not a sinner as well. 

Our response: Even though the Genesis account does not specifically forbid homosexual relations, it does provide us a model we should follow.  God made sexual union for a purpose, for a husband and wife to come together as one flesh in marriage. There is not one occurrence throughout the entire Bible where homosexuality is not mentioned in anything other than negative terms (Dallas 188).
           
The destruction of Sodom is another example of God’s judgment on a wicked city.  The men of Sodom said to Lot, “Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them.” 

The pro gay argument: Sodom was destroyed because of the inhospitality of its citizens, not for their homosexuality.  The Hebrew word, “yada” is used 943 times in the Old Testament and only carries a sexual meaning ten times.  As a result, the argument is that the men of Sodom had no sexual intention but only to “get to know them in a social way.” 

Our response: Why would Lot answer them with the words, “I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly”? What would be so wicked for the men to get to know Lot’s guests?   Also, he answered their demands by offering his two virgin daughters which again would make no sense if they only wanted to get to know the guests socially. 

Another pro gay argument: Sodom was destroyed for rape, not homosexuality.  It was violence, or forcing sexual activity, that was condemned by God. 

Our response: Sodom was known for its homosexual relationships, not just rape.  It is stated in the book, “A Strong Delusion” by Joe Dallas, “Both Philo and Josephus in their writings are very specific with their view of Sodom in regards to homosexuality.”  Josephus writes, “About this time the Sodomites grew proud, on account of their riches and great wealth; they became unjust towards men, and impious towards God, in so much that they did not call to mind the advantages they received from him: they hated strangers, and abused themselves with Sodomitical practices” (Antiquities 1.11.1).  

Yet another pro gay argument: It is sometimes stated by pro-gay believers that the main and only reason that God destroyed the city was because of immorality, not homosexuality.  Sodom was wicked and it is stated in Ezekiel 16:49 that “pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness” were the sins of Sodom mentioned.  As a result, homosexuality is not mentioned and clearly not condemned.  It is stated in Jude 1:7 Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.  We see that it was not only “pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of idleness” mentioned in Ezekiel but also sexual perversion.

Our response: Yes we agree that there were other characteristics that were condemned in Sodom, but homosexuality was also a symptom of their wickedness. 
           
Under the Law of Moses it is clearly written that “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Lev 18:22) 

The pro gay argument: The Hebrew word for abomination is usually associated with idolatry. It was not the homosexual relationships that were wrong but their association with idolatry that made them evil.  So apart from the idolatry that was being practiced by the heathen nations, homosexual relationships are fine. 

Our response: The sexual sins which are mentioned in Leviticus 18 – 20 are still prohibited in both the Old Testament and New Testament.  Scripture makes it very clear that incest, adultery and other sexual sins, whether or not related to idolatry, are still wrong.  Also, the word for abomination used in Leviticus, “toevah” is also used in Proverbs 6:16-19 stating that one who causes discord among brethren is an abomination.  That has nothing to do with idolatry. 
           
Another passage prohibiting homosexual relations is Romans 1:26-27:  For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.” 

The pro-gay argument: Paul is speaking to heterosexuals that have changed what is natural to themself.  As long as someone is doing what comes natural to them, then they are not sinning.  A homosexual would be doing that which is natural to him so this verse would not pertain to him. 

Our response: Paul does not distinguish between a man who has homosexual feelings and one that does not have homosexual feelings.  He groups men as one class and women as another class.  Paul was concerned about condemning the homosexual behavior.  Also, it says that they  “burned in their lust.”  This burning in their lust shows that these feelings were natural to them.  Paul’s argument does not end there. He also talks about other actions in the following verses which are wrong.  If one is to believe the pro-gay argument then that would mean that any of the following actions mentioned later in the chapter are only wrong if they are not natural to someone.  Paul mentions, being filled with all unrighteousness, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, debate, deceit, malignity; whisperers, backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, without understanding, covenant breakers, without natural affection, implacable, unmerciful. To believe that these actions are alright in the eyes of God because they are ‘natural’ to someone is absurd. 

Another pro gay argument: Paul is condemning people given to idolatry that practice homosexuality, not the true Christians who are practicing homosexuality. 

Our response: Idolatry is an important aspect of Romans 1 but again we have to look at the chapter as a whole.  If one is going to say that as long as homosexual acts are not connected with idolatry then they are ok, then the other actions that Paul states later in the chapter are not condemned either if not connected with idolatry.  The pro- gay argument does not make sense.
           
One of the most controversial verses regarding this debate is I Corinthians 6:9-10 and 1 Timothy 1:9-10.  They state: Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). Knowing this, that the law is not made for a righteous man, but for the lawless and disobedient, for the ungodly and for sinners, for unholy and profane, for murderers of fathers and murderers of mothers, for manslayers, for whoremongers, for them that defile themselves with mankind, for menstealers, for liars, for perjured persons, and if there be any other thing that is contrary to sound doctrine; (I Timothy 1:9-10). 

The pro-gay argument: The word used in these verses is, “arsenokoite” that is typically labeled as referring to homosexuality.  They answer that this word never appeared in Greek literature before Paul used it in these scriptures. If Paul was really meaning to refer to homosexuality then he would have used one of the Greek words that was already in existence to describe that.  Also, they go on to say that Paul really meant to refer to male prostitution which was very common at that time. 

Our response: Paul came up with 179 words in the New Testament.  In regards to this particular word, he actually derived it from the Septuagint which was the Greek Old Testament.  The Septuagint was widely used as Greek was the most common language at that time.  The Greek for the Old Testament passages would be the following: 
meta arsenos ou koimethese koiten gyniakos  Leviticus 18:22

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

hos an koimethe meta arsenos koiten gynaikos  Leviticus 20:13

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination…

Anyone familiar with the Greek text of the Old Testament would realize that Paul adopted the word arsenokoite directly from the Levitical verses condemning homosexual behavior. In regards to the pro gay explanation that the breakdown of the word implies male prostitution again does not hold water.  Arsane, as mentioned appears a few times in the New Testament, always referring to “male.”  Koite is mentioned only two times in scripture:

Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering (koite) and wantonness, not in strife and envying (Rom 13:13). 

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed (koite) undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge (Heb 13:4). 

Koite appears four times in scripture and refers to bed couch used in a sexual connotation.  Paul could not be any clearer.  The two words, “male” (arseno) + “bed” (koite).  There is no reference to idolatry or prostitution.  It is clear that Paul is talking about homosexual activity. 

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Final Advice

All things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to his purpose (Rom. 8:28). God understands and sees everything that you are experiencing. Do not give up.  As mentioned in the beginning of this resource, start doing the following:

1.  Talk to someone
2.  Make healthy relationships with the same sex
3.  Surrender to God
4.  Forgive

With the words of Jesus, “With men this is impossible;
but with God all things are possible.

             
Feel free to contact us for more information or for immediate help contact us at cycresource@gmail.com. 

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Suggested Reading

1. The Bible – God
2. Desires in Conflict – Joe Dallas
3. Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would – Chad Thompson
4. You Don’t Have to Be Gay – Jeff Konrad
5. Homosexuality And The Politics of  Truth - Jeffrey Satinover, Ph.D
6. Homosexuality A New Christian Ethic - Elizabeth Moberly, Ph.D
7. Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality – Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D
8. Truth & Tolerance – Exodus
9. A Parent’s Guide To Preventing Homosexuality – Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D & Linda Ames Nicolosi
10. A Strong Delusion – Joe Dallas

Works Cited

Dallas, Joe. A Strong Delusion. Eugene: Harvest House, 1996. 
Dobson, James. Bringing Up Boys. Wheaton: Tyndale House, 2001. 
Konrad, Jeff. You Don't Have to Be Gay. Hilo: Pacific House, 1987. 
LeVay, Simon.  Queer Science. Cambridge:  MIT Press.  1997
Medinger, Alan.  Growth into Manhood.  Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2000. 
Moberly, Elizabeth R. Homosexuality a New Christian Ethic. Cambridge: The Lutterworth P, 1983. 
NARTH, The Condition of Male Homosexuality by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi. (CD) 2005.
Nicolosi, Joseph. Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality. Lanham: Rowman & Littlefield, 1991. 
Payne, Leanne. Crisis in Masculinity. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1985. 
Satinover, Jeffrey. Homosexuality and the Politics of Truth. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 1996. 
Thompson, Chad W. Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would. Grand Rapids: BrazonPress, 2004. 

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