Helping Principles

What to do before you try to help someone Solution-focused helping principles Conclusion Other Resources

What to do before you try to help someone

Well, first, say a quick prayer. Then ascertain that you are the right person to help. Some people who approach you for help may be better served by someone else and you ought to be clear on the appropriate boundaries. Men must always involve their wives or other brethren when they are helping women or girls and vice versa. You may also know other brethren with expertise in the problem area and making a referral is usually appropriate. If you make a referral, expert brethren are the preferred choice, followed by Christian experts, and lastly, secular professionals of some sort.

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Solution-focused Helping Principles

A solution-focused helper will emphasize finding solutions more strongly than trying to find causes of problems. Although it may be useful at times to delve into one’s childhood and analyze dreams, for the most part, counseling will be more effective if you keep the phrase, “What now?” in the forefront of the discussion. The best helpers are also unwilling to select a course of action for someone else. You must strictly restrain yourself and your own opinions and accept the fact that, however wise you are, you are not the person coming to you for help, you don’t know what it is like to be them, and you are extremely unlikely to be able to live their life for them… right? So any solutions that work are much more likely to be solutions that they come up with and that they choose, plan, and implement. You may think that you know just what they ought to do, but you should suppress it until they ask you for advice. Before giving any advice ascertain whether the person has expressed a willingness to hear, that you have relevant experience with the problem and are not just speaking off the cuff, and that your advice has a clear Scriptural basis. If any of these conditions are not met, you should probably not waste your breath. Just stick to the following three steps and leave your own advice out of the discussion.

Step 1: Empathy -- Exploring Feelings

The first step to helping someone when the come to you with a problem is to “weep with those that weep.” Even if you don’t personally think the other person has any good reason to be weeping, it is appropriate to ensure that you understand the feelings they are feeling. Active listening, which entails a conscious effort to reflect to the other person that you know what they are saying, is essential. Don’t jump to conclusions that you know what the person feels or that you know the problem. They need to be heard and to know that you want to understand them. Empathy alone may be all that is needed to solve the problem. Reflect the feelings they are having and try to phrase them in a positive, accepting fashion. Unconditional positive regard, otherwise known as “agape,” is a reasonable scriptural support for this activity. No matter what the person is struggling with or what they have done to mess up their life, you should love them as yourself. Additionally, many people will come to talk to you about one problem, only to open up to you about a huge problem that is much more serious after you have discussed the lesser one. This is another reason not to just launch into a lecture of your own advice about whatever you think the problem is… if you find yourself “helping” by talking a lot, you are probably not helping much. Your goal during this first stage is to get to the point of saying to someone, “So the problem is X, which makes you feel Y” immediately followed by an emphatic affirmation from the person. If you cannot get an “exactly” or a “that’s it!” or something like that, you need to keep reflective listening.

Step 2: Exploring Alternatives

Once you have explored the feelings and concerns of the person who has approached you and gotten to “that’s it!” then you need to ask them what they are going to do next. Don’t tell them what to do next. Ask them to generate as many alternative courses of action as they can think of before going on. You may want to mention a few alternatives too, but don’t give a preference unless it is a clear moral issue with clear Scriptural guidance. Even then, you want to make sure that you maintain your empathy for the person.

Step 3: Selecting Alternatives

Once you have a list of alternative solutions or action plans of some sort, then you need to ask the person to select the one they like the most. Don’t judge their choice unless they ask you to do so. It is unlikely that your selection will be followed anyway, so just keep it to yourself.

Step 4: Making a Plan for Change

Once they have selected a course of action, make a plan with them, step by step. At this point, you may want to be a little directive to make sure that they think the plan through in a thorough manner. Try to make a plan that will achieve the desired outcomes. Make concrete plans with dates and lists of things to do, etc. Make it real.

Step 5: Offer to Help

Ask the person if there is anything that you can do to assist them when they implement their plan. You may be surprised at the simple, unexpected things that people request.

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Conclusion

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